Warrior

Now I`m a warrior, I`ve got thicker skin, I`m a warrior, I`m stronger than I`ve  ever been, And my armor is made of steel, you can’t get in, I`m a warrior and you can never hurt me again.

– Demi Lovato, Warrior

Some might say that I talk too much about what happened to me when I was younger, but in those past posts I had only just began to touch the surface of my story.  As of right now I can tell you that this is going to be one of my most personal posts yet.  I want to apologize in advanced for how long this post is going to be.

I have talked about the day that I became a Skyscraper and how I started to stand up for myself.  Just recently I came to the conclusion that I never really told any of you how my fight as a Warrior is going.

I know that I have told you, my readers, that I have recovered from being bullied.  However, recently I have experienced a few things that are making me reevaluate that statement.  I have had a reoccurring dream this week; and this dream is typically something that you would not want to dream about.  It did not involve that feeling of falling off a building/cliff that would wake you up because you’d panic.  It was not that type of dream when you get something that you’ve always wanted and wake up sad because it was just a dream.  This was a dream that I would literally wake up from and have tears form in my eyes because I dreamt about something that I actually went through.  The dream was about the day that I almost ended my life, with a few differences especially the ending.

After a long day at school, I had to go endure the long bus ride home holding in the tears and plastering on a fake smile till I was dropped off at my house.

I guess you could say that even though I had finally reached my “breaking point”, that I was one of those few that would always have a smile to share even though I was desperately crying for help on the inside.

As soon as I unlocked my front door and made my way inside the tears started to flood my face.  I went to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, which only made matters worse.

Because my self-esteem had reached an all time low at that point the mirror served as a reminder of what was taking place in my life at that time.  When I looked in the mirror, I did not see who I was as a person.  I only saw the things that others said about me.  That I was fat.  That I wasn’t attractive.  That I would never fit in with any of them.  I wish I knew what I know about the mirror now.

I grabbed a notebook out of my backpack and ripped a piece of paper out of it.

This is where things get different in the dream than how they actually happened in real life.  See, I never wrote a suicide note that day.  I mean I didn’t even think about writing one at all that day.

A tear fell on the piece of paper, with every word that I wrote on it, causing the ink to smudge.

I guess you would think that a with a dream like this that I would know what I wrote on that piece of paper, but in the dream it was all squiggly lines (the type of thing you would do in elementary school when board to make it look like you wrote in cursive).

I made my way to my parents bathroom to grab a razor blade from my moms drawer. As I walked back to my bathroom, my dog came running up to me and spat out one of his favorite toys at my feet.  I didn’t throw the toy for him to chase it and bring it back to me, I just walked away.

My dog wanting to play with me was true.  They say that a dog is a mans best friend, I guess that I was so hurt at the time that I didn’t see it.  A dog can sense when their owner is in pain, and at that moment he wanted to make me happy.

I went into my bathroom, the crying had stopped by now, and looked at the ugly person that was staring back at me.  I lifted my right arm and turned it so my wrist was facing me. I followed that action by raising my left arm up that had the blade in it, and slowly moved my left arm towards my right wrist.

This is where a major difference took place in my dream.  It is majorly different because I did not go through with it.  

Before I knew it blood was starting to come out of my right wrist.  I started to cry, I looked up at the mirror and my face became really pale.  My vision got blurry, I eventually collapsed onto my bathroom floor, but my dream did not end there.

In a normal dream, this would be the point where the person wakes up from the dream but that did not happen yet for me.  I did wake up after a few more seconds, but it wasn’t the “end of my life” that woke me up, it was the things that followed it.

My dog just sat there and stared at my body on the floor.  He started to wine and whimper, eventually he laid down outside of my bathroom door to protect me.  My vision started to get blurry but I was having these flashes about other people being bullied and how nobody was standing up or doing anything to stop the bullying from happening.  My dream went pitch black at that moment.

I woke up from my dream that moment and started to cry.  I cried because in my dream I actually went through with ending my life.  I cried because I relived that whole experience all over.  I felt the pain, I felt the tears, I felt the not fitting in, I felt the loneliness.  The thing that I felt most of all was the the feeling of wanting it all to be over with to the point that I didn’t want to live any longer.

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So now is where I am actually going to share with you why I wrote this post, and why I felt that it was important for me to share this dream with all of you.

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This is how that moment actually ended (in real life).

Remember I did not even go through with making the cut in my wrist that day. I did pick up the blade and make the movement towards my wrist.  I even held the blade over my wrist and hovered it and made the cutting motion (not on my skin, just over it). Right there at that moment something stopped me.  Something made me look up a that mirror one more time.  Whatever it was saved my life.  What I saw scared me.  What I saw was not me.  It was a stranger.  At that moment I did not want to end my life.  I did not like what was staring back at me.  I started to cry again.  I panicked.  I ran to my parents bathroom and put the blade back into my mothers drawer then I went back to my bathroom.  I looked at myself in the mirror for a few more minutes and eventually ended up on my bathroom floor crying.  I remember how the cold linoleum felt on my skin and how I did nothing but lay there and cry for a while.  A couple minutes passed and I picked myself up off that floor and looked myself in the mirror and told myself that I was worth it.  I made my way to my bedroom and turned on my radio so I could listen to music as I laid in my bed.  A couple songs came on but one really caught my attention.  I have mentioned this song before and how it said no matter what that I would be the one rising from the ground like a Skyscraper.  I used that song and that artist as my inspiration to help me from that very moment.  I am proud to say that I have came a long way since then, it has almost been four years.

I`m a warrior, I`m stronger than I`ve ever been.

Since the day that I became a Skyscraper I`ve turned my life around.  I started to be more active.  I started to ignore what others said about me, yes it was hard to do, but with practice I became stronger.  The bullying continued for a while but I did not let it affect me in a negative way, I Stayed Strong.

And my armor is made of steel, you can’t get in.

After ignoring all the hateful things my mental mindset got really strong.  I guess you could say that I formed a suit of armor around my self and became a Warrior the day that I decided to help others.  That was one of the things in my dreams, nobody was there to help anyone.  My armor of steel protects not only myself, it protects those that I help.

I`m a warrior and you can never hurt me again.

Yes I have my share of critics all the time, lately it has been cyber bullies.  When I say you can never hurt me again, I really mean it.  Yes I can still hear/see what is said about me, but I don’t let it hurt me.  Instead of letting it cause hurt and pain in my life, I use all of it as motivation to fuel my purpose in life.  My purpose is to help those who are/were just like me.  I guess what those who dislike me don’t realize is that with every negative thing they say about me is that I fight back.  When I fight back I add another level to my Skyscraper.  I am a Warrior and my battle has only started! I know that this is going to be a long fight but I am in it for the long run.

Goal:  No matter who you are, or what you have been through, you are a person.  Their words are lies, they are only scared because you are going to be the one that is better than them in the future.  You are beautiful!  You are worth it!  You matter!  You are important! You are a Skyscraper!  You are a Warrior!  Stay Strong!

P.S.:  If you are going through anything and or have thoughts about ending your life, the suicide prevention hotline number is listed on the my blogs website.  Or if you want to share your story with me you can comment on this post or email me at stayingstrongthewarriorproject@gmail.com .  I will not share your story with anyone unless I have your approval, I always look forward to hearing your stories and words of encouragement because that means that I am helping and touching lives.  I use your support as motivation.

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